Struggling

Many of us may struggle with doubts and questions to God.  The Psalms are so comforting to me as I find my prayer journal entries looking so  much like the Psalmists’ writings.IMAG1267_1_1

God desires us to be real with Him.  Yet He also desires us to cling to His promises.  This was my prayer to God as I struggled through my counseling that dealt with believing in God’s restoration.

Have you ever struggled with some of these thoughts?  Regardless of our situations, God desires us to cling to His promises.  He is Faithful!

God, it’s not that I don’t know that You’re all powerful, that You desire all to come to repentance, that You’re greater than this…I know that all in my head.  I’m struggling to believe this in my heart for my situation.  So often the bondage of sin seems so great and yet You already conquered sin and death!  I’m struggling as You’ve given us all a free will to choose…and yet You’re Sovereign and know what will happen…and I struggle that I don’t.  I’m struggling with accepting the fact that my loved one may never choose You or to be healed and that You may not choose to intervene.

God, at times, I’ve sounded as if I’m demanding You to heal him and our situation, please forgive me for that Lord.  You have a plan-You promise to prosper and not to harm me-to give me a hope and a future.  Give me the faith to believe Your promises to me.

I’ve asked You many questions this week.  What if You choose not to fix my brokenness?  What if no matter how much I pray for my loved one and our situation, the answer is no?  What do You want from me?  What are You doing with my life?  How do I know Your will?  How/What does Your joy look like in my life?  How do I respond to people when they ask how I am?  How can I glorify  You in the midst of my pain and sadness?

Through the week Lord, You’ve shown me that You want me to be a better broken-my situation may never get better-Your will may not involve my loved one or our situation to be healed/restored….it’s not for me to worry about.  Instead, You’re teaching me that You want me to get better in my brokenness-to know You with an intimacy and genuineness I’ve never-before experienced.  To completely trust You with each day and footpath instead of focusing on hiking the tallest peak of the mountains in my life.  To not hide in my circumstances but be ready to share genuinely how You’re working in my life without having to talk about my loved one.  To embrace the reality I’ve been given now-I can daily pray for him each morning but also look to You to help me embrace where You have me right now.

I haven’t been able to experience full joy because I’ve been so focused on You fixing my situation.  Yet You desire me to glorify You in my brokenness.  Please, Lord, help me as I continue on this journey, in this process.  Have Your will and way in my life, my loved one’s life, and in our situation.  I love You and thank You for how You’re already working that I can’t see and for how You will work.  I pray this all in Jesus’ name.  AMEN!

Dear Heavenly Father

…I’ve said this numerous times in my life…or “Dear Lord Jesus” or “Dear God”…an opening to prayer.  A familiar greeting such as an opening to a letter.

What I realized one day as I reflected on who my God is to me…I’m addressing God as I would in a letter…it’s just an opening greeting.

Even though my prayers often begin with thankfulness to God for who He is…I wasn’t thinking about who I was addressing in my opening line-just saying the words.

This really took me back and I spent a week reflecting on this…to think about the relationship God desires with me as His child.

It’s taking practice.  What I’m doing is taking a moment before opening in prayer to reflect on who God is to me…what God means to me…the fact that He’s right there with me in that moment and always…and then I begin to pray with the renewed head and heart knowledge of who I am talking to instead of addressing God like the opening of a letter.

Is this something you can relate to?

Frustrated

At a red light.  I sat in the car and thought about my situation.

Finding myself frustrated with my loved one, I chose to talk to God about it.  Sharing my frustrations that the situation doesn’t seem to change or go anywhere helped me refocus on my part.

And in the stillness what I heard,

How much have you prayed today for him?

Thank you Lord for pointing me back to what’s most important!  I can’t change my situation.  I can’t change my loved one.  I can pursue him in prayer and allow You to work in Your time.  Thankful today for the refocusing of my thoughts and the truth that prayer releases frustration and my Heavenly resources to work where I can’t.

Powerless

Much of my life I believed lies without realizing it…

Hold it all together everybody needs you strong.”  Somehow early on in my life I believed I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough-it was about pleasing people yet I’m thankful I also had firm convictions.  Somehow I believed that my insecurity would go away when I got married…I put my security, trust, self-worth in my husband instead of my God.  I believed the lies that my loved one’s choices were my fault.  I lived in bondage to these lies for years.

The walls crumbled one day.  Yet it would still take years before I truly understood something so incredibly important.

I’m powerless.

Powerless over my feelings of worthlessness and insecurity, and in trying to control/blame/criticize my loved one regarding his choices.

What I’ve learned

God alone created me fearfully and wonderfully…I’ve known the Bible verses in my head.  I’ve been working to believe them in my heart.

He desires to take my desire to control and show me how powerless I am…How POWERFUL He is.

He had to tear down the walls of pride, selfishness, and self-righteousness in my life…bring me to the end of myself.  He must increase and I must decrease.

He desires to take my insecurity and sense of worthlessness and make me secure and worthy in and through Christ alone.

At the end of the day, it comes down to one thing…Christ alone.

“I find my strength, I find my hope, I find my help, in Christ alone!

When fear assails, When darkness falls, I find my peace, in Christ alone!

I give my life, I give my all, I sing this song, to Christ alone!

The King of kings, the Lord of all, All Heaven sings, to Christ alone!

’till He returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ, I’ll stand,
here in the power of Christ, I’ll stand.”