I’ve always been very patriotic; I love our Country and have always thought our flag to be one of the most beautiful sights to behold.  My years spent as a military wife provided an even deeper sense of the meaning “Freedom isn’t free”.

My family gave my loved one and me a picture after deployment that has the following verse:

The meaning so true on many levels.  We use this verse often in the military.  And yet, the ultimate sacrifice was that of Christ who laid His life down for all of us…the spotless lamb…the perfect sacrifice.  There is truly no greater love than this!

And because of my acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Savior-putting my faith and trust in Christ alone and asking Him to save me from my sins-I also am free.  Free from the penalty of sin which is death.  Free from the bondage of sin.  Free from guilt as I’m not perfect and will continue to sin-and God’s grace covers it all.

Today I’m also experiencing a different type of freedom.  I’ve never honestly thought of it as freedom before…more like unwanted change.  Yet, as I’ve discovered God’s path for my life right now-a path that I didn’t want-God is also showing me His freedom in this path.  Freedom from the pain, bondage, manipulation, lies, guilt of my loved one towards me.  Freedom to let go and let God instead of thinking I can save my loved one or my marriage.  The truth is I can’t.  The truth is Jesus died for all of us and paid the penalty for sin; I didn’t.  Jesus is the only one who can save; I can’t.

Today there is freedom in the realization that I can completely trust God with my loved one to work where I can’t.  And my prayer is that my loved one will also one day experience freedom found in Christ alone.  Today there’s freedom for me in ‘letting go and letting God‘.

My Path

This wasn’t the path I chose.  I didn’t want any of this.  Yet this is the path God allowed for me.

In my office hangs a beautiful picture with the words from Proverbs 3:6

In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.

Tormenting, confusing decisions.  Sorting through Satan’s lies and God’s truth.  Praying for wisdom.  Seeking guidance and direction.

And after a few weeks, in the silence, after the pleading, the path was clear.  Not the path I chose or wanted, but the path God allowed for me.

Thankful today for God being my trail blazer, my compass, my guide through the storms of life; thankful for His promise of directing my path and making it straight before me.


Decision making.  I’ve struggled the past few months with this.

What is God’s will and plan for my life?  

How do I know?

What if I make the wrong choice?

As I’ve spent some time alone with God this month, I’m working on the following:

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”.  

I was asked to answer the very questions I was asking in my head along with others:

What percentage of your will are you willing to turn over to God? _____

What percentage of your life are you willing to turn over to God?  _____

What percentage of controlling behaviors are you willing to turn over to God?  ____

What percentage of your insecurity are you willing to turn over to God?  _____

What percentage of your worthlessness are you willing to turn over to God?  _____

If not all of it, why not?

Wow, if that didn’t hit the nail on the head!  It’s one thing to read through the questions.  It’s another to have to write down a percentage-and be honest with that.  I think many of us know in our heads the right answers.  We know in our heads that the right answer is 100% to all these questions!  But what I was challenged with was in my heart.  What this looks like to genuinely answer these 100% in my heart.


Surrender all.

We were asked to define surrender.  What does it mean to you?

I defined it as giving up myself to God/dying to myself.  Then I had to list specific ways I would do that with the things I am facing in life.

I think surrender can be scary.  I have a tendency to want to control the outcome-to know how things turn out…perhaps others do as well?  What God was revealing to me a few weeks ago was that I was powerless to control the situation in my life because I can’t control the choices of my loved one.  Converting this new-found knowledge to my heart in addition to taking on this new step is giving me the desire for complete surrender.

Instead of fear, surrender to me is:

  • peace
  • rest
  • security
  • joy

in my God who is abundantly able to do for me beyond what I can ask, think, or imagine.  Surrender is no longer bearing the weight of the burdens of this situation, but allowing God to work out the details according to His beautiful plan.  Surrender is taking God at His word-believing He is faithful in keeping His promise that He does have a plan for my life-a hope and a future.  Surrender is allowing others to come along-side of me, burying my pride, and growing in life’s journey together.  Surrender is allowing God to use this terrible ugliness and pain in my life to bring Him glory.

Surrender will be a daily, perhaps a several times a day process-but one I’m ready for.  I’m exhausted trying to live life partially my way instead of giving God complete control.  This beautiful old hymn is my prayer.  How about you?

“All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live!
I surrender all!  I surrender all!  All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all!
All to Jesus I surrender, Lord, I give myself to Thee; fill me with Thy love and power, let Thy blessing fall on me!
I surrender all!  I surrender all!  All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all!”

My Identity

Driving in early-morning hours.  Song on the radio…

“You call me righteous, You call me Yours, No longer guilty, Not anymore!!!  I am rewritten, I’m spoken for, A new creation now I stand, cause of who You say I am!”

…brought me to tears.

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This song played in my head and heart all weekend.  It was Easter weekend.  I found myself praising God-so grateful to Him that I am no longer guilty or condemned.  That through His redemptive work on the cross, through His grace, through my faith in Christ alone I am

  • righteous
  • His
  • not guilty
  • rewritten
  • spoken for
  • a new creation
  • and much more!

And my heart was so broken for my loved one who is bound by chains in his bondage to sin.  I continually prayed all weekend for his soul-for the scales and blindness to be removed from his eyes and heart-that he could see God’s love and forgiveness and amazing grace-and that he could experience God’s redemption.

As I continued to meditate on the words of this song, I kept coming back to this part

I am not bound by who I was, my identity redefined by Love!  I am not bound by who I was, my identity redefined by Love!”

My identity…

This made me think through what I believed my identity was.  The message of this song is sharing that my identity is now in Christ, which I thought I knew and believed.

As I continued to meditate on this phrase, on passages of scripture, on reflecting on the various events of discovery and letting go to this point, I realized God was bringing me to the point of letting go of who I had built and thought my identity to be.  It was a continuation of what I had been learning regarding me being powerless.

I realized I had built and believed/lived like my identity was found in my husband, in my job, in the military, in my family, in being childless, in the semblance of some “great” life.


Redefined by Love….while this is most likely obvious to most, this was a huge revelation to me in my heart and head.  God has been working in my life through all these horrible circumstances to bring me to the point of realizing my identity is in Him alone and to give me permission to redefine who I thought I was into being defined as His by His Love.

Grateful today for this truth!  Grateful there’s no measuring stick or continual need to please or gain approval from anyone to define who I am.  Thankful I can release this all to Him, the Giver of my true identity redefined by Love.

Crippling Fear

“If I were your enemy, I’d magnify your fears, making them appear insurmountable, intimidating you with enough worries until avoiding them becomes your driving motivation.  I would use anxiety to cripple you, to paralyze you, leaving you indecisive, clinging to safety and sameness, always on the defensive because of what might happen.  When you hear the word faith, all I’d want you to hear is unnecessary risk.” Priscilla Shirer in Fervent

This is exactly where I’d been…crippled, paralyzed, indecisive, concerned about what might happen, clinging to safety and sameness.

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In reading this chapter of Fervent, Priscilla also shares that fear is one of Satan’s greatest ways in crippling God’s people.  I’d also been focusing on fear not being from God.

So I began to think, “If Satan is working this hard to keep me in fear and not moving forward, what amazing beauty and/or blessing from God is he trying to keep me from?”

My prayer for Confronting Fear:

God, I thank You that You don’t give me a spirit of fear but of power, love, sound mind.  I ask You to forgive me when I give in to fear and ask that You help me not to choose, wallow in, entertain, or make friends with fear.  You promise me a hope and a future.  Because fear doesn’t come from You, help me recognize Satan’s attacks to keep me from Your plan which is my destiny-my next challenge/opportunity to see Your glory on display in what You wish to do with my life.  You are fearless Lord-please give me the faith to be fearless in You.

When I’m afraid, help me choose to put my trust in God whose word I praise.  Instruct and teach me in the way I should go, Lord-counsel me with Your eye upon me.  Give me Your peace, not as the world gives.  Take away the fear that I allow to cripple me for I know that if Satan’s working overtime to make me fearful, there must be some blessing or beauty from Heaven He’s trying to divert me from.  Thank you in advance for that blessing and beauty and for Your work in my life!  In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.



Footsteps hitting the gravel road. IMAG1337_1 Lungs inhaling fresh air. Pre-spring warm sun hitting my face.  Working to clear my head.

Talking to God as I mulled over the thoughts in my head…I realize I’m afraid.


…God does not give me the spirit of this

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind
(2 Timothy 1:7)

So my fear is coming from something other than God.

Opposite of fear to me is trust so my response is instead of fearing, I need to trust God.

What does God give me?

  • Power
  • Love
  • Sound Mind (other translations call this discipline or self-control)

So what does this mean?

In thinking through this, I’d already said I’ve learned I’m powerless, so wasn’t sure exactly how to explain how God is also giving me power.  So I went to Matthew Henry’s commentary for a deeper interpretation which said,

God has not given us the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, of courage and resolution, to meet difficulties and dangers; the spirit of love to him, which will carry us through opposition. And the spirit of a sound mind, quietness of mind. The Holy Spirit is not the author of a timid or cowardly disposition, or of slavish fears. We are likely to bear afflictions well, when we have strength and power from God to enable us to bear them.

What does this look like in my life?

To me, it’s first recognizing when I’m fearful, calling it out and choosing to surrender it to God.  It’s asking God for His power and strength, daily…moment by moment…to get through the next task, step, opposition, affliction.  It’s courage in moving forward in complete trust in my God whose promises have never and will never fail me.  And it’s falling and getting back up when I give in to fear as God continues to create in me a better broken.


Many of us may struggle with doubts and questions to God.  The Psalms are so comforting to me as I find my prayer journal entries looking so  much like the Psalmists’ writings.IMAG1267_1_1

God desires us to be real with Him.  Yet He also desires us to cling to His promises.  This was my prayer to God as I struggled through my counseling that dealt with believing in God’s restoration.

Have you ever struggled with some of these thoughts?  Regardless of our situations, God desires us to cling to His promises.  He is Faithful!

God, it’s not that I don’t know that You’re all powerful, that You desire all to come to repentance, that You’re greater than this…I know that all in my head.  I’m struggling to believe this in my heart for my situation.  So often the bondage of sin seems so great and yet You already conquered sin and death!  I’m struggling as You’ve given us all a free will to choose…and yet You’re Sovereign and know what will happen…and I struggle that I don’t.  I’m struggling with accepting the fact that my loved one may never choose You or to be healed and that You may not choose to intervene.

God, at times, I’ve sounded as if I’m demanding You to heal him and our situation, please forgive me for that Lord.  You have a plan-You promise to prosper and not to harm me-to give me a hope and a future.  Give me the faith to believe Your promises to me.

I’ve asked You many questions this week.  What if You choose not to fix my brokenness?  What if no matter how much I pray for my loved one and our situation, the answer is no?  What do You want from me?  What are You doing with my life?  How do I know Your will?  How/What does Your joy look like in my life?  How do I respond to people when they ask how I am?  How can I glorify  You in the midst of my pain and sadness?

Through the week Lord, You’ve shown me that You want me to be a better broken-my situation may never get better-Your will may not involve my loved one or our situation to be healed/restored….it’s not for me to worry about.  Instead, You’re teaching me that You want me to get better in my brokenness-to know You with an intimacy and genuineness I’ve never-before experienced.  To completely trust You with each day and footpath instead of focusing on hiking the tallest peak of the mountains in my life.  To not hide in my circumstances but be ready to share genuinely how You’re working in my life without having to talk about my loved one.  To embrace the reality I’ve been given now-I can daily pray for him each morning but also look to You to help me embrace where You have me right now.

I haven’t been able to experience full joy because I’ve been so focused on You fixing my situation.  Yet You desire me to glorify You in my brokenness.  Please, Lord, help me as I continue on this journey, in this process.  Have Your will and way in my life, my loved one’s life, and in our situation.  I love You and thank You for how You’re already working that I can’t see and for how You will work.  I pray this all in Jesus’ name.  AMEN!


Much of my life I believed lies without realizing it…

Hold it all together everybody needs you strong.”  Somehow early on in my life I believed I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough-it was about pleasing people yet I’m thankful I also had firm convictions.  Somehow I believed that my insecurity would go away when I got married…I put my security, trust, self-worth in my husband instead of my God.  I believed the lies that my loved one’s choices were my fault.  I lived in bondage to these lies for years.

The walls crumbled one day.  Yet it would still take years before I truly understood something so incredibly important.

I’m powerless.

Powerless over my feelings of worthlessness and insecurity, and in trying to control/blame/criticize my loved one regarding his choices.

What I’ve learned

God alone created me fearfully and wonderfully…I’ve known the Bible verses in my head.  I’ve been working to believe them in my heart.

He desires to take my desire to control and show me how powerless I am…How POWERFUL He is.

He had to tear down the walls of pride, selfishness, and self-righteousness in my life…bring me to the end of myself.  He must increase and I must decrease.

He desires to take my insecurity and sense of worthlessness and make me secure and worthy in and through Christ alone.

At the end of the day, it comes down to one thing…Christ alone.

“I find my strength, I find my hope, I find my help, in Christ alone!

When fear assails, When darkness falls, I find my peace, in Christ alone!

I give my life, I give my all, I sing this song, to Christ alone!

The King of kings, the Lord of all, All Heaven sings, to Christ alone!

’till He returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ, I’ll stand,
here in the power of Christ, I’ll stand.”